Dívky od slova dívat se

Z velké části si svět jen představujeme a platí to o každém z nás, ale o nevidomých dvojnásob. Poslední týden jsem strávil v nemocnici a tady je neznámé úplně všechno – jak věci, tak i lidi. Největší spolehnutí je na postel, ve které ležím, ta totiž nikam neuteče a nezmění tvar. Všechno ostatní jsou hádanky, které se snažím rychle řešit. „Kdybyste potřeboval na záchod, tak radši zazvoňte na sestřičku,“ naléhá na mě doktor. „Tak, tady je záchod a když šáhnete vedle, tam je zase sprcha. Ale zatím se radši nesprchujte, abyste nespad,“ to mi zase vysvětluje sestra ve zralém věku s těžkým, ale příjemným parfémem. Já se znovu a znovu bráním a vysvětluju, že se brzy zorientuju a umyju se sám ještě dnes. Ovšem ještě horší pocit mám, když mě v příštích dnech po cestě na toaletu různé sestry chválí, jak jsem šikovný. Chce se mi řvát: „pro boha, vždyť ten záchod je přímo naproti pokoji, máte mě za úplnýho idiota?“ Místo toho se usměju, jako že jsem polichocen, a nic jiného ani dělat nemůžu. Stejně tak mě chválí za to, že si umím nalít čaj z konvičky, že dojdu ke stolu, že umím zavřít okno nebo otočit noční stolek. Pravdou je, že nemůžu dělat nic, jen být ještě samostatnější, abych dokázal, že je to samozřejmost, a s úsměvem poslouchat chvály, které ve skutečnosti znamenají údiv.

A přesto jsem vděčný za soucit lidí kolem a za to, že se ke mně kvůli handicapu chovají laskavěji, než je obvyklé. Vím, že mají ty nejlepší úmysly. Co víc, jsem vděčný za každý další rozhovor v té nemocniční samotě.

 

Dobrého jen po troškách

 

Proto mě enormě zajímají sestřičky. Kromě toho, že jsem, samozřejmě, zvědavý chlap a obdivovatel žen, ony jsou teď pro mě něco jako andělé. Vůbec nechápu, jak tady můžou strávit 12 hodin někdy s obzvlášť náročnými pacienty a přesto se usmívat. Zřejmě je musí taková práce naplňovat. Krátím si dlouhou chvíli přemýšlením o sestřičkách, jak asi vypadají, jak se doopravdy cítí, jak se asi vyspali a s kým… Ne, to už si dělám legraci. Nechci, pochopitelně, být dotěrný, a tak se jich příliš často neptám, ale spíš si zkouším domýšlet. Tak například je tady sestra s tichým altovým hlasem, středně vysoké postavy, hubená a bez nějakého výrazného parfému. Tolik jsem vytušil z hlasu. Nejspíš by mi nepřipadala průzračně krásná a určitě mi nezpůsobí bezesné noci, spíš mě na ní zajímá neurčitě rozporuplná energie, kterou vysílá. Je trochu přísná, trochu smutná, trochu chladná a přitom v noci, když mi přijde vzít krev na testy, zní tak něžně, že by se k ní člověk přivinul. Ale ve chvíli, kdy se na ní usměju a zavtipkuju, přijde mi, že přes sebe hodila igelitový pytel. Vždycky nastane dlouhé ticho a pak někdy rozpačitě vtipnou poznámku vrátí a jindy je prostě jen potichu. Je to takový ten těžko předvídatelný typ, tajemná, trochu hrdá květina, která se zase jindy, přesně ve chvíli, kdy já už nemám chuť komunikovat, nečekaně rozvine a rozpovídá se. Za týden pobytu jsem zjistil, že staví dům, donedávna se věnovala skautingu a má bezlepkovou dietu. Jmenuje se Daniela, což jsem si ovšem nepředstavoval, radši bych jí dal jméno Běta. Včera přišla s rozjasněnou náladou, ale cosi mi bránilo zeptat se jí, co jí rozveselilo. Vidím to na dobrou péči partnera. ;)

Oheň, co hezky hřeje, ale jestli se jednou rozpálí…

 

Tahle slečna, když jsem ji jedno ráno poprvé slyšel, mě ze všeho nejdřív naštvala. Prošla totiž celým pokojem, s každým pacientem docela normálně promluvila, zeptala se na obtíže a připravila ranní léky. Jak jsem ji poslouchal, říkám si: „ta určitě vypadá nevinně a křehce jako panenka.“ Ale pak došla ke mně a udělala to, co mě vždycky spolehlivě naštve, otočila se mým směrem, nadechla se a spustila velmi hlasitě a zřetelně: „paanee Váámooš, niic váás neeboolíí, máátee nějaakéé pootíížee?“
„Ne,“ já na to rezervovaně, „aa měl jstee včeeraa stooliiciiiii?“
„řekl jsem popravdě, že měl, a cítil jsem se zase jednou jako retardovaný chudáček, na kterého se musí hlasitě a pomalu, protože není jen slepý, ale taky blbý. Řekl jsem si, že jediné, co s tím můžu dělat, je mluvit tiše, aby věděla, že ji slyším. Ovšem protože krásně voní a má milý „písčitě zrnitý“ hlas, začal jsem se o ni zajímat. Představil jsem si hubenou malou černovlásku s vlasy na mikádo a plaché zelené oči, kterým jakoby odporují živé až temperamentní pohyby. To byla má představa a počítal jsem s tím, že nejspíš bude daleko od reality. V průběhu dne už se sestřičkou byla legrace, dokonce se nám svěřila, že toho má dnes moc, a jak pořád pobíhá od pacienta k pacientovi, je z toho všeho celá zblblá. Kdybychom se jí zeptali, jak se jmenuje, prý by to snad ani nevěděla. A tu jsem já, zvědavec rychle využil situace a zeptal jsem se: „a jak se jmenujete?“
Na okamžik se objevila maličká skulina do jejího světa a Markéta mi úplně jiným hlasem sdělila, že se jmenuje Markéta. A to už na vás skrze to jméno dýchne vlna pocitů a barev, čili dýchne na vás nefalšovaná Markétovitost. Hned máte dojem, že jste uvnitř jejího srdce, i když jenom na krajíčku. V tu chvíli jsem si ji zamiloval.

Večer přišla na návštěvu kamarádka, která vidí. Povídali jsme si v prázdné společenské místnosti o problémech v práci, když se k nám přiřítila sestra Markéta s injekcí inzulinu. Kamarádka je zvyklá na moje detailní dotazy, a tak jsem pak vyzvídal, jak Markéta vypadá. Vysoká tak metr sedmdesát, hubená, malá prsa, nejkrásnější na ní jsou vlasy, které má v culíku dlouhé až po zadek a v barvě tmavohnědé. V uchu prý nosí tunel, což mě zarazilo a musel jsem si to nechat vysvětlit. Během detailního popisu tunelů v uchu jsem třikrát zaplašil představu, jak slečna asi vypadá v černých kalhotkách se třpytkama a jak to asi zní, když slastně vzdychne. Hned na to jsem si vynadal do nízkého tvora a zkusil jsem nasadit výraz nevinného intelektuála. Nepomohlo to.

S Markétou se to má tak… s určitostí vím o ní jen to, že stejně jako já nejí maso. A právě pro tu vůni, pro zvuk jejího hlasu a záplavu tmavěhnědých vlasů ji považuju za neodolatelnou kočku. Pohybuju se ale jen ve vodách fantazie a nic hmatatelného v rukách nemám. Nanejvýš možná v sobě najdu odvahu požádat jí, abych si směl sáhnout na ten culík. A až mi bude brát kapičku krve na glikemii, ucítím, jestli má prsty teplé nebo studené. Zachvílí nastoupí na noční službu, tak uvidíme, jestli se nebudu sám sobě smát, že si namlouvám nesmysly. Doufám, že se o ní ještě něco dozvím.

Tentokrát jsem se s vámi podělil o docela intimní věc, jak vnímám jako nevidomý krásu ženy. Tohle je jedna z věcí, kde svůj handicap pociťuji nejbolestněji a přitom jsem sice o něco ochuzen, ale zároveň obohacen o ty vzrušuící představy a postupné dopátrávání se. Nejradši bych si je, samozřejmě, celé osahal a přivoněl k nim jako k pampelišce, ale to by se jim jistě zdálo trochu odvážné. :D Mám svou milovanou přítelkyni a to je zase úplně jiný rozměr. Do posledního kousíčku umím ocenit její fyzickou krásu, i když nevidím, a nemůže mi to pokazit nějaký ten pupínek nebo nevhodná kombinace oblečení, tím se to naopak stává ještě zajímavější. A nazačátku byl také jen nehmotný hlas, visící v prostoru, trocha vůně a celá hromada představ.

Nevím, vidící pánové, kdo je na tom líp, jestli vy s možností svlékat holky očima, s možností hltat fotky s nahotinkama a nebo já s… s… Jste to vy, že? :D

Říkáte si, co to tady řeším za blbosti? A co mám jako v tý nemocnici dělat?

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